me and my silly questions
mood: relieved
i mugged and mugged so hard in the last 24 hours that i feel absolutely burnt out right now. *snapcracklepop* can't wait to go back home and rest. It was torturous ploughing through all that boring EE40 stuff. It's a evil class..now i know why Rob n ilyas warned not to take it. MOSFETS, CMOS, NMOS, op-amps, rectifiers, fabrication, pn junctions, logic blahblahblah....add cardiac protheses, artificial heart vessels, gene delivery and growth factor delivery...and add ~40 german words and learn how to change them to the perfect tense...and u know what's floating around in my brain right now. A whole lot of jumbled mishmash. And fried neurons. but i have no one to blame but myself...really, i should be doing more consistent work, rather than stressing myself out the day before exams, and force the poor him to listen to my incoherent grumblings.
Even though i told myself to focus wholly on work, i managed to sneak in trading spaces, 2 blind dates, 2 makeover stories, the amazing race AND gone in 60 seconds. talk about lack of discipline. I dunno leh. i think like some shows i'll just never get the chance to watch again, so i do. Especially these shove-a-camera-in-your-face kind of reality TV. Although i do think them stupid sometimes (like the Bachelor), i still can't help but watch. Probably i'm a closet voyeur...so beware of me and don't let me get too close...if you've got something to hide that is. =P I just think it's so interesting to watch people. Their reactions, their body language, their thoughts....i suppose reading blogs has a similar attractiveness to it. The online journal is like a camera that broadcasts to the world everything and anything- from the mundane happenings of life to the deep emotional frenzies one sometimes lapses into. but perhaps we are not as brave as we might think, choosing to hide in the shadow of anonymity, and only revealing emotions freely in our words.
Do u read random blogs? it's amazing how different each and every person is, and how reading through every blog one never fails to be pleasantly surprised. by a thought, a picture, a quote, an idea. If the world were powered by these, we'll never run out of resouces, not ever. Every person has something so unique about them, and i think it's wonderful that we have the opportunity to peek into the lives of all kinds of people. Not only do we learn all sorts of things, often we are reminded of our own thoughts and memories that we have overlooked, hidden away, or have simply forgotten.
One site asked: what did u want to be when u grew up? And i thought of the days when i wanted to be a teacher, days when i just wanted to stay with my grandparents forever, and days where i just wondered how it would feel being 21. Sometimes we just lose sight of our very own special dreams and in their place chase after the more practical and more acceptable ones. I suppose then we can safely say that we haven't failed, and haven't done anything silly with our lives. but then, this way we would never know the feeling of having done something truly meaningful, or having explored beyond our boundaries, would we? I must admit that i have not yet fulfilled some of these dreams within me, but i know that i want to, and that one day i will. I suppose many people think the same way...but eventually fall into the trappings of everyday life....i can't say i won't, but as long as i still keep these dreams close to me, i know half the battle is won. I don't know how my life will turn out from here, just as i didn't know my life now when i thought about it as a child. But i can still hope, and i sure hope i'll have some great stories to share.

ack!
mood: stressed
pretty unsettled feeling about my schoolwork right now. have a midterm and 2 quizzes on thursday...plus neverending homework. my brain thinks about all the impending deadlines and just shuts off. Seriously, i haven't been doing very much work at all this semester (except the days before exams and quizzes that is)...and i'm thankful my grades haven't suffered too much because of it. Yet i know i'm not learning as much as i should. I just cram in as much crap as i can into my head the day before and spit it all out on the exam. Oh, and i'm lucky i suppose...for quite a few classes this sem allow cheat sheets. At least i don't shrink all the lecture slides and squish them into 2 sides...that's what i saw someone doing. 15 lectures worth of black lightning notes shrunk into teeny little blocks and pasted on 2 sheets of paper. damn zai. he was even using a magnifying glass. ack. nevermind. so, if u should see me these couple of days with panda eyes and i snap at u...you know why.

boo!
hey...another surprise. did u notice, faith, that we had the same header for our entry today?

oh well, time to head back to my books, back to the world of ancient greece and china...to herodotus, han fei zi, mo zi and the like.

spring forward
mood: lazy
i've been a bad girl. Nope, i'm not gonna confess my deep, dark secrets. It's just that i haven't been blogging. boring right? Well, this inertia that i've been feeling has been affecting other aspects of life as well. I haven't done any work the past 3 days..*sighz* Today was yet another wake-up-late and chill-on-my-bed day. Highlights? Cooking lunch, cooking dinner and er..checking email. Also, eating really sweet mango, drinking a yummy cup of hot chocolate lovingly prepared by Yoekie, and melt-in-your-mouth-delicious egg tart from faith. mmmm...u must be training to be a good housewife rite? =) sadly, i am no where to be seen enthusiastically taking up pots and pans and indulging in domestic homey affairs. hey, c'mon...why can't he do all that?
Almost forgot about daylight savings today. Woke up and my computer cheerily reminded me of the time. How could it, when a whole hour has been stolen from a precious sunday? *grumble* So instead of 11am, i woke up at 12pm. which officially makes me a pig (poor misunderstood creatures). oh well, at least i like pigs. It was so weird looking out to a bluish sky at 8pm...it will take a little getting used to. Now the time difference between here and singapore is only 15 hours. So my mornings aren't your late nights anymore...no excuses liaoz.. *grinz* i wouldn't mind more wake-up calls.
Yesterday was Rob's birthday. A special day for a special person. The skies cleared for the first time in days....leaving clear blue skies and balmy breezes...a perfect day for paintball. Yep, glad we tried paintball. It was....interesting. Certainly not as great as i thought it would be, but nevertheless, an enjoyable experience. It was a day where the girls finally got to fire 'real' guns with live human targets to aim at (and 'ammo' to boot). I sucked, but in between hiding behind metal cylinders and inflatable shapes, and mis-aiming at the enemies, i strangely enjoyed rolling in the dirt. (okay, no more pig analogies please) Yesh, and washing up involved some water splishplashing...that was fun. If there's one thing i didn't like, it was getting hit by paintballs. OUCH. they hurt man. luckily, i was really hit by only two paintballs...my gun got most of it...but the one that got my arm left a large bowl-shaped (yes, BOWL-shaped) bruise while the others had roundish red welts. the bruise looks so interesting that i took three pictures of it. It's my first paintball battle scar. Ask me, and i might show it to u. =P I suppose it would have been much more fun if the game involved just us. The others were somewhat expert (or they just seemed so) with shinier, cheemer guns with sights and were mostly semi-automatic. no wonder we were trashed! nah..think we need more practice. One day a larger group of us should go down and reserve the entire field. I'll most probably go again. (And definitely...if the hits didn't sting so) Had a nice post-paintballing meal of dim sum in oakland...it's always nice to eat that in a bigger group..then can try manymany things. finally cut rob's bday cake...and smashed some cream in his face. (bleah, u deserve that rob, for alwez 'zipping' me.)
But that was not the end of our adventure. We chanced upon the Berkeley flea market on the way home, and walked into a treasure trove of african, mongolian and other ethnic goodies. I love flea markets, night markets and the like. i must admit i'm cheapskate...but it's also the thrill of stumbling across non-massproduced treasures and trinkets. I left with a lovely dreamy skirt, and some books. After much deliberation I bought The Alchemist by Paulo Coelho. To me it was a magical tale of omens, dreams and hopes woven together and shaped by destiny.

"Why don't people's hearts tell them to continue to follow their dreams?
Because that's what makes a heart suffer most, and hearts don't like to suffer."

It was a wonderful read. but by buying the book, i am afraid that it will no longer seem so special ...and by rereading take away some of its magic. i'll only find out when i get down to reading it again.
Finally, to top off an exceptional saturday, we drove past an extraordinary garden with multitudes of multicoloured tulips....it was a garden right out from a picture book. Yoek n i hopped out of the car and snapped manymany happy pictures. Poor hk had to put up with our estatic squeals and sudden photo-posing frenzy. It was great. Totally spontaneous and totally a surprise, which made it a thousand times better. Makes one wonder about life, and the simple pleasures it holds. sometimes, the greatest treasures are found in the most unlikely places, aren't they?

humdrum
mood: productive
sitting in one of the libraries in school....feeling very tired and hungry. But i don't feel like returning home just yet. there's something about being in a totally quiet(at this time it is) space...with only the low hum of the computers, occasional typing of the person next to me, oh..and of course my own very unquiet typing on the nice bouncy keyboard for company. It seems as though the absence of conversation, or any spoken words at all, allows my own inner thoughts to emerge from the deep recesses of my mind and come out to play. Perhaps that is why i seldom study in a library. Often i get even more distracted in the library...someone walking in just disrupts my train of thought as i start wondering who this person is, what this person is doing and so on...or like i pick up a word from a nearby conversation and my mind immediately races off making its own connections until the word blue triggers off memories of eating omelettes or something to that effect. Maybe i should start having conversations with people strictly over the internet. No need to worry about where to put my hands or what to say or finding the most comfortable position to stand. Just good 'ol words, nothing to distract one from a conversation. Yet, i know i would never be content with words flashing on the screen...Nothing beats the look of surprise when someone is surprised, or the sight of a real smile slowly spreading across the face causing your eyes to go all crinklywrinkly. who wants just this -----> =) ? so is a good conversation all we look for? I suppose not. sometimes i worry whether people get too sian of what i'm saying to them....or find me interesting and engaging enough...oh well, i suppose i don't really judge people that way....so...should i worry at all? haiyah..i don't even know what i'm talking about anymore. better change subject..not good to go on about this when the library is closing in 14 minutes. *beeeeeeepbeeeeeeeep* went the buzzer.
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sidenote: weirded out....just stared at the comp screen to reading something for 2 minutes...then when i look back at the keyboard it's gone all greenish yellow. HELP!
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That reminds me of the SF exploratorium (sniff... just last thursday). sometimes when u look at a bright light and space out, u may see these little specks moving in a certain direction...those are the blood cells moving through bld vessels in your eye. We had a whole lot of fun there....felt like little primary school kids running through the singapore science center again..but better coz now we can actually appreciate how amazing some things are. go and visit someday if u have the time...pretty cool. I'm glad i had the company too....it was nice sharing this experience with someone just as excited and into it as i was. We were just rushing from one exhibit to another trying to take it all in (but we missed out some on the upper level) in between all our "oohs" and "aahs"....while trying to avoid the manymany kids and "chope" a certain interesting exhibit. yesh...we were big kids that day. =) And a nice place for "grown-up" us was just a stone's throw away at the Palace of Fine Arts... what a beautiful day. (i kept on singing about it which i admit must be quite irritating..hehz)

still wishing
mood: feeling blue
haven't published in a while...now that he's come and gone...i'm kinda feeling out of it. Knowing that he's safely back home takes a load off my mind....but what's left behind is an emptiness, a void that will not be filled, not until summer that is. And occasionally the loneliness rises up and overwhelms me. I step into my room, and i long to hear the strumming of the guitar. I brush my teeth, and i miss the green toothbrush. I get into bed, and i shiver at the cold. I wake from a nightmare, and no one is there to comfort me. *sigh* i sure had a wonderful two weeks, and i hope he did too. The scenic drives we went on, the buffets we ate, the blustery winds we faced, the longlonglong walks we shared, the daunting slopes we conquered, the funny photos we took, the boggle sessions we had...all the memories of these two weeks will stay close to me. We did nothing really exciting nor see anything spectacular (save for the grandeur of Whistler). And yet i had the time of my life.... just being, and existing together once again.

Last night I had a crazy dream
A wish was granted just for me
It could be for anything
I didn't ask for money
Or a mansion in Malibu
I simply wished, for one more day with you
One more day
One more time
One more sunset, maybe I'd be satisfied
But then again
I know what it would do
Leave me wishing still, for one more day with you

Dreams
mood: veryvery happy
Hmm....haven't written in quite while. But there's so much to say..so much that i've been thinking about..but somehow, i just can't and don't want to put it down in words. It's just that i feel so much in my heart and that's where its going to stay. It's just been such a wonderful 5 days. It's a pity i had to spend so much time in school. It's just so hard tearing yourself away from the warmth and comfort of someone so important to face the cold outside air and the boredom (and loneliness) of a long school day. bleh. We're leaving for Vancouver tonight. Glad to finally be taking a break....and gladder that we are finally able to share them together. It's rather miserable seeing him only 2 months every year. People say that absence makes the heart fonder, but...it's just so hard to go through each day without, once you know how wonderful a day with is.
Okay, no more whining.. Hmm. F was driving in front of me on the way home from school. Thought it was quite funny...both of us eagerly driving back home in the middle of the day. i wonder if we experienced a similar anticipation and felt a familiar happiness...*wink* Life just feels so different now. There's so much to catch up on, so much to talk about and it feels so nice just being able to see each other's facial expressions. Every smile, every frown, every grin, and every loving gaze.....just goes straight to the heart...and fills me with so much emotion. gosh, i miss this feeling so much.
My friends too, have given me so much cause for happiness. Thanks mich, got your card. Yep, i know what u mean....haven't seen u in almost a year...but i know when we all meet up we'll revert back to our crazy, wacky childlike antics. Especially Angie...=P I'm really looking forward to summer too! Glad that everything's going well for u in UK....and don't care about the boring s'pore guys lah...must look for british Prince William lookalikes. =) And Kaiy, thank u thank u thank u.....received all the stuff from u and the other canoeists..please help me thank them. I really don't feel that close to them...so i'm really touched. Really happy to receive prezzies (yay!) but happier that i've got a friend in you. Still remember how we met...and clicked...must be fated to be friends forever liaoz lah...poor me. gotta put up with your loud voice and boorish antics. (oh....and your you-know-what too!!!! haha...don't whack me!) You're a wunderfully sweet and warm person..and people love you. Me included! =) Alright...someone else beckons. Think he's getting bored with the guitar. Enjoy the warm weather everyone! Have a great spring break...
I'll miss u yoek, but i know you'll have a great time in sunny mexico...see you soon!

butterflies in my stomach
mood: can't wait

3,2,1...
he called from the airport just now. This means he's really on his way. means he'll reallyreallyreally be here in 15 hours. Somehow, i still can't and won't believe it until i see him in front of me, in the flesh. It just seems so unreal... my life in Singapore is finally crossing paths with my life here. Don't they seem like two entirely separate worlds at times? oh sheesh, i don't feel like writing. don't feel like doing anything! Instead, i just wanna lie in bed and wait and wait and wait for 5pm to come... enough from me for now...

Hope you're having a good flight dear... Please take care. =)
let's share this precious time together...and have a very special spring break.

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damn, i'm falling asleep in front of the comp again. Better go sleep and awake to a better tomorrow...zzZ

a trip down Moeser Lane
mood: pretty cheery
been feeling rather under the weather lately. Been bogged down by alot of happenings. Mostly midterms. *sighz* There just seems to be a neverending vicious cycle of homework, midterms, quizzes and readings. I try to tell myself to do constant work, keep up with readings etcetc...but i never do. At the very most, sudden moments of industry are just well, moments, but usually resulting only in cleaner clothes and a neater room. Because i'm pretty far behind in my readings...studying for midterms is a chore. a really tiring one esp. coz i do it( or rather try to) all in one day. I feel like i'm on a train chugging towards disaster...and as it draws closer and closer to the broken bridge (or something to that effect), i feel a sense of dread; my heart starts beating faster, my mouth goes dry ( and i get hungry but that's out of pt)...and even with only a few minutes left...i'm still desperately struggling to finish those chapters. It's a pretty darn unsettling feeling, but it's been like this the past 3 midterms this sem. *groan* said i'm gonna catch up on my 5-week back log of reading during spring break...but yeah right, what are the chances? i'll be too busy lah. hehe =P
Took a little trip up Moeser lane on the way home. Was debating between that and chicken from KFC...eventually the sunset won me over. It was beautiful, as usual. Actually 'beautiful' doesn't do it justice. As one overlooks the entire bay and looks past the Golden Gate, out onto the endless Pacific, there is just this sense of awe and of overwhelming vastness. It seems like a whole new world to me, and i pinch myself just to make sure that i'm really there- so close to San Francisco, to the Golden Gate, and to the edge of the Pacific. My eyes can't get enough of the wide expanse of shimmering blue water, sprawling shadowy hills, and far away in the distance, a huge blanket of clouds looming over the ocean, threatening to engulf the land. and when i'm driving up, it sometimes seems to me that as the road goes up and up, it continues on and on, all the way to the heavens...Then when u turn around and drive downyou see heaven. Lucky kel and jane. it must be wonderful living up there... *dream.......dream dream dream..* Someone once mentioned that after seeing the same scene every single day makes the experience lose its freshness and its beauty. I absolutely disagree, and so too do those who live there. Called Kel after the sunset to pop by her place and borrow the guide to Vancouver(happyhappy joyjoy). Turns out that she was out there too...moments before, watching the same spectacular sunset on the very same road. I'm glad we shared that moment together, even though we didn't know it. It's just nice knowing that there's someone out there, thinking, doing, experiencing the very same thing. Kinda like An American Tail, where Fievel sings 'somewhere out there' to the family that he's lost...(that show made me cry so much when i was little). Moreover, the view should not be wasted...yep, told YK i'd bring him up there someday.
Maybe it's just like being in love. Love too changes your view of the world. Even though one experiences it every single day, we seldom get tired of it....in fact, we can't get enough of it. There's something slightly different about it each time u look at it, but somehow, it never fails to amaze or surprise all over again. And sometimes, clouds roll in and rain sets in, but nevertheless one day, the rain will stop, the clouds vanish, and a rainbow appears in its place...A naive comparison perhaps. Yes, if anything, love is probably greater.

we've had our fair share of ups and downs, but i'm glad we go through them never too far from each other...and we come out of it stronger, closer, and more appreciative of the sunny days together.
a day to go...to have someone go up Moeser Lane with me...=)