the calm before the storm
Tomorrow is the big day. I don't know how to feel. A part of me feels all twisted up in knots, a big worrisome mess. There's limitless information out there...without a fixed syllabus, i could be asked absolutely anything. Yet another part of me feels a strange calm, simply because i know there's nothing much more i can do. I've studied perhaps 80% of what i planned to, maybe it's enough, maybe it's not.. Anyhow, i just have to take a deep breath and plunge right into it. I know i can do it.
I just want it to be over. I'm tired of feeling stressed and tired and lifeless everyday. I want to enjoy life again. I want to have a life again. To spend weekends at the beach, to watch plays in the park, to shop to my heart's content. but most of all, i want to go home.

lost
As each day goes by, the feeling grows stronger. In the past month or so, this strange emptiness has taken root in my heart, and it slowly, very slowly gnaws at the core of my being. I don't know what's wrong. But sometimes i just sit there, not motivated to do anything. I am loathe to move, to eat, to enjoy the sunshine. I sometimes feel like life has lost its meaning. Why am i here? Where is the joy in living where i am now? What am i trying to accomplish? I feel lost. Not having anything to look forward to each and everyday except for the day i finish my PhD and return home. Home. So close to my heart, yet so many thousands of miles away. but then again, I'm not ready to go home. I want to live life to the fullest, experience all that i can, and receive the best training in the sciences as possible. Yet, alarms are sounding.. well, not really. Actually, nothing is sounding. It feels likes a vast, empty vacuum yearning to be filled.

I think i'm just tired. Tired of doing it all on my own. Motivating myself, making decisions on what to do, where to go. Seeking out new things to try, meeting new acquaintances but making few lasting friends. Moving from city to city, dealing with any problems that crop up. Exploring a new city, discovering its beautiful secrets but not having anyone to share them with...

It's been five years. I've been away five long years from all the people that matter. I've seen so much and learnt so much that I would never have had I remained in Singapore. But now that I know how much there is out there, and that i've seen how other people lead their lives, comes the realization that so much is lacking in mine...

I've been dealing with so much crap recently. god knows how much money i've wasted in bills, parking tickets, rent and the such. The housing search took freaking long and uncovered some problems with my credit..which leads back to the money issue. Someone put a dent in my car and drove off (i suddenly noticed its appearance one morning). Add to that a broken refrigerator, and worse, clogged kitchen pipes which caused water to backflow into my apartment, flooding the kitchen floor.. gross. This doesn't help my studying for the PhD quals, which is scheduled for next week. Too many shitty things at once makes xiao an unhappy person.

I need to change my attitude before i screw up the exam. Everyday i sit in front of the computer (as i am now), willing myself to study, but not moving an inch towards the books. There's so much more to study.. right now, i feel like doomsday is approaching, but i'm not doing anything to salvage the situation. Ha. I feel like yelling at myself to "WAKE UP!"

But i have faith that everything will be better soon. Thanks to Kat, i feel like I have some semblance of a personal life. Thanks for involving me in your life, and for sacrificing some of your precious 'alone time'. Also, boon will soon be in Boston for a visit, and i'll be more than happy to show her around boston. Then comes a much awaited trip back home. A chance to spend some quality time with family and friends and really recharge my draining energy. Perhaps most importantly, D will be flying back to the US with me....a dream come true.

Give me a month to bounce back. Life will be good again. Hear me roar.

crossroads
It's an amazing feeling, being with someone 24/7 for three months, yet loving every single day of it. It's quite unbelievable that in slightly over a week i'll be leaving Leipzig, and returning to Singapore. Time has gone by in a blink of an eye. A part of me is glad - I miss my grandparents, parents, friends and food =). I want to see how much my baby cousin has grown, and i don't want to miss his first steps and first words. But most of me is sad - I think of the laughter, the tears, the smiles, the hugs, the kisses, the sunsets, the walks, the knowing looks ...and I know how hard it'll be to walk away from what we have shared in the past few months. Well, there's not much more to say about this... we'll just have to prepare ourselves once again for being apart. We should be used to it by now, considering we have 4 yrs of experience behind us. =P But it's never easy...damned heart.

Sunday already?
Back in a familiar life surrounded by dear relatives and old friends, and the US one quickly fades into the background. But the blogs, the emails and the news reports serve as a reminder that life, whether I am present or not, continues to move at the same unrelenting pace. New friendships are forged, old ones strengthed, new places are explored, old haunts revisited. Whether i am in Singapore or in California, time, people, life, goes on. And when i return to one place from the other, i am frustrated by all that i have missed out on. 7 Months. The sudden deepening of my cousin's voice came as a shock. My aunt's swelling tummy, a surprise, since she showed no signs of pregnancy the last time i left. My other aunt's broken foot - no one told me. Friends, with new boyfriends/girlfriends, entering the workforce for the first time. Not large significant changes, but little subtle ones that make me feel displaced and ever so detached....unable to put down my roots in any one place.

if i could just...
it always hurts to say goodbye. the stabbing pain when we hug our last hug. the dull, empty achy feeling as he disappears around the corner. the tears. it never gets any easier. i know we're strong, and every day we spend together reaffirms that. but it's amazing how one person can change your life. Every day is a day to look forward to. and every day, no matter rain or shine, is one of the best days you've ever had. but well, life goes on. and i'm fine now. no more tears, no more sadness. just looking forward to the next time we meet, which is still somewhat uncertain. but mostly, looking back on the beautiful 2.5 weeks we shared together, i'm real glad. =)
welcome back mundane life! right, gotta start day one w/o him studying for midterms. *groan*

Vanessa Carlton - A Thousand Miles

Making my way down town
Walking fast
Faces pass
And I'm home bound

Staring blankly ahead
Just making my way
Making a way
Through the crowd

And I need you
And I miss you
And now I wonder ..

If I could fall
Into the sky
Do you think time
Would pass me by
Cause you know I'd walk a thousand miles
If I could just see you... tonight

killing me softly
wonder what's up with him now. Haven't heard anything in a while, and it worries me sick. Is he in germany, or the US or on his way to singapore? sadly, i have no idea. I tell myself to have faith and that he will call soon. but the hours go by, and i get more and more restless. i understand that his airtickets are all unconfirmed, and on standby, meaning that he has to be at the gate before knowing if he's on the flight. and i suppose i've been out, and i just got the hp yesterday. maybe he called, but i didn't know. but i'm so sick of maybes, so sick of telling myself he's okay, so sick of telling myself to trust him to call, and so tired of fighting all this frustration and disappointment.

*grumble*
why does everything seem to be going wrong these 2 weeks? it's not the homework or projects that i have piled up...but just the fact that i can't seem to get through a day without something going wrong. why??? can't wait till thanksgiving...then i can slip my hand into his and wish all my worries away. *sigh*

rained in
I've spent everyday this week in lab...need to relax. the semester is drawing to a close, and i can hardly believe it. On one hand it means i'm alot closer to the thanksgiving trip to london, and to going back home....but it means also that i have to rush all the work that's expected of me in the next 2 weeks. I'm taking my research for units this semester, and so i feel so much more obligation to perform good experiments and obtain sufficient results. Yet up till now i've only managed to run 4 experiments...and am still stuck with gene expression. I still have to do protein assays to get good all rounded results to write up on in my final report (which will be graded). I feel like there is so much work to do in so little time. But it's my fault. I get distracted so easily..and some days i just don't wanna come down to lab at all. Hopefully things change with this horrible weather, because on sunny days i'd very much rather be out in the sun than in lab. i don't know how i'm going to do grad school like this. it requires a whole lot of dedication and focussing wholly in research. It is a full time job. And as of now i cannot see myself being indoors from 9-5 everyday...hopefully the year off will help me decide what the next step in my future will be. bah. i hate RT-PCR. it should be called Really Time-consuming Painfully Complicated Reaction instead. *tear hair out*
and the rain. the rain scares the hell out of me. At the lab where i work, the richmond field station, the winds are horribly strong. For the entire night, i sat alone in lab, listening to the howling wind, waiting for a reaction to complete. When i finally got out, i was so worried that my car had been blown away. okay i'm stupid. anywez, it was fine...but i found a boat...yes, a canoe...lying about 10m from the car...in the middle of the road. how exciting... wonder what i'll find tonight. *sigh* Sometimes i wish that he was nearby, and around to comfort me and make things better. The past 3 days have been hard...with conflicts arising here and there....the storm, blackout, a botched experiment....and what makes it even harder is having to constantly check the clock to make sure it's an okay time in Germany before i can call him and pour my heart out.

What Breed of Hamster Are You?
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took this test to destress...courtesy of die fee.