the calm before the storm
Tomorrow is the big day. I don't know how to feel. A part of me feels all twisted up in knots, a big worrisome mess. There's limitless information out there...without a fixed syllabus, i could be asked absolutely anything. Yet another part of me feels a strange calm, simply because i know there's nothing much more i can do. I've studied perhaps 80% of what i planned to, maybe it's enough, maybe it's not.. Anyhow, i just have to take a deep breath and plunge right into it. I know i can do it.
I just want it to be over. I'm tired of feeling stressed and tired and lifeless everyday. I want to enjoy life again. I want to have a life again. To spend weekends at the beach, to watch plays in the park, to shop to my heart's content. but most of all, i want to go home.

the final stretch
3 more days to go. Feeling slightly better now that i've finished up a chunk of stuff from BE567. I was feeling thus suffocated and demoralized partly because of non-linear systems, which i took last fall. It was hard grappling with all the equations and definitions that i very quickly chucked out of my memory all those months ago. Oh well, welcome back into my life you confusing Hopf, transcritical, pitchfork, and saddle-node bifurcations. Welcome back all ye wonderful differential equations, vector fields and phase portraits. I would say that my brain is somewhat chaotic right now, except that chaos is defined as aperiodic behavior in a deterministic system that exhibits sensitive dependence on intitial conditions. I don't think that i'm exactly a deterministic system (behavior determined by only the state of system and initial conditions) since several external stresses are currently acting on me and threatening to drive me into a state of insanity (a stable fixed point, which is not possible in a chaotic system).

See, i have been studying. =)

Now that i'm pretty much done with this part of my revision, it's back to physiology and biochemistry, which is much more interesting and also easier to revise. I feel a strange attraction (oooh..i can define a strange attractor too!) towards thick biology textbooks (remember Campbell in JC?)...i actually look forward to having some time to sit down, put on my thinking cap and plough through them. Gonna take a short break to grab some food and water so i don't die a horrible death at home alone.
I can't wait to have a social life again. So many good things lined up for the next month or so. *shoves thoughts away* For now, i'm a hermit! 3 more days to go...

lost
As each day goes by, the feeling grows stronger. In the past month or so, this strange emptiness has taken root in my heart, and it slowly, very slowly gnaws at the core of my being. I don't know what's wrong. But sometimes i just sit there, not motivated to do anything. I am loathe to move, to eat, to enjoy the sunshine. I sometimes feel like life has lost its meaning. Why am i here? Where is the joy in living where i am now? What am i trying to accomplish? I feel lost. Not having anything to look forward to each and everyday except for the day i finish my PhD and return home. Home. So close to my heart, yet so many thousands of miles away. but then again, I'm not ready to go home. I want to live life to the fullest, experience all that i can, and receive the best training in the sciences as possible. Yet, alarms are sounding.. well, not really. Actually, nothing is sounding. It feels likes a vast, empty vacuum yearning to be filled.

I think i'm just tired. Tired of doing it all on my own. Motivating myself, making decisions on what to do, where to go. Seeking out new things to try, meeting new acquaintances but making few lasting friends. Moving from city to city, dealing with any problems that crop up. Exploring a new city, discovering its beautiful secrets but not having anyone to share them with...

It's been five years. I've been away five long years from all the people that matter. I've seen so much and learnt so much that I would never have had I remained in Singapore. But now that I know how much there is out there, and that i've seen how other people lead their lives, comes the realization that so much is lacking in mine...

I've been dealing with so much crap recently. god knows how much money i've wasted in bills, parking tickets, rent and the such. The housing search took freaking long and uncovered some problems with my credit..which leads back to the money issue. Someone put a dent in my car and drove off (i suddenly noticed its appearance one morning). Add to that a broken refrigerator, and worse, clogged kitchen pipes which caused water to backflow into my apartment, flooding the kitchen floor.. gross. This doesn't help my studying for the PhD quals, which is scheduled for next week. Too many shitty things at once makes xiao an unhappy person.

I need to change my attitude before i screw up the exam. Everyday i sit in front of the computer (as i am now), willing myself to study, but not moving an inch towards the books. There's so much more to study.. right now, i feel like doomsday is approaching, but i'm not doing anything to salvage the situation. Ha. I feel like yelling at myself to "WAKE UP!"

But i have faith that everything will be better soon. Thanks to Kat, i feel like I have some semblance of a personal life. Thanks for involving me in your life, and for sacrificing some of your precious 'alone time'. Also, boon will soon be in Boston for a visit, and i'll be more than happy to show her around boston. Then comes a much awaited trip back home. A chance to spend some quality time with family and friends and really recharge my draining energy. Perhaps most importantly, D will be flying back to the US with me....a dream come true.

Give me a month to bounce back. Life will be good again. Hear me roar.

mirror mirror on the wall, who's the silliest of them all?
Just found out about the World Stupidity Awards 2005... With categories like "Stupidest Man of the Year", "Stupidest Statement of the Year" and "Stupidity Award for Reckless Endangerment of the Planet", it's no surprise which big name world leader is heading the list of nominations.

To quote:

Bush dominated last year's awards, taking the stupidest man prize and the award for reckless endangerment of the planet. Nerenberg admitted the organizers do limit the number of categories featuring the controversial Texan.

"He would essentially be nominated in every category had we not interfered," Nerenberg said. "We want to give other people a chance. We just feel some of the other great stupidity in the world would go unrecognized if Mr. Bush was allowed to run rampant. But he is doing very well."

Lewis Black, the award show's host, agreed about Bush's contender status.

"He's always a big one and it just gets worse every day with him," said Black, the biting commentator on TV's The Daily Show with Jon Stewart. "His stupidity is almost on a Hall of Fame level."

Nominations and voting are done on the World Stupidity Awards Internet site and Nerenberg said it's not easy to make the cut.

"People usually nominate their exes so we eliminate those first of all," he said. "You can't just show you've done a few stupid things in your life. You have to show some dedication, that you're a professional."

Who will win the coveted "Oscars of Idiocy" and get the recognition they deserve for stunning achievements in global stupidity and ignorance? Check out the official site for the full list of nominees. If i'm not wrong, it's too late to vote since the awards show was scheduled for July 22nd...tonight! Heck. It's still a fun read. =)

The Motto of the Academy:
The Academy believes that everybody is stupid, some
people just need to have it pointed out.

gastronomic chronicles
This is shear torture! Thank god i'll be back in a month or so..
http://onokinegrindz.typepad.com/ono_kine_grindz/singapore/index.html
oh, just look at the beautiful pictures... *drool*

what the *#$@(&@$!?
Got this link from someone's blog. Thought that some of you refined mid-twenties folks out there might be interested. How to insult, swear, cuss, and curse in 165 languages! Very useful for travelling, haggling, and picking fights. They even have our favourite Singlish swear words, noting that "Singapore recognizes four official languages: English, Mandarin, Malay and Tamil. Singaporeans also speak a peculiar brand of English called "Singlish". This mixes English with Chinese dialects (mostly Hokkien) and some Malay." Seems like Singlish is gaining international repute/infamy. Played Trivial Pursuit (American Edition) with a couple of s'porean friends last night, and one of the questions went to the tune of: "Which city state's main language is known as Singlish, a mix of English, Malay and Chinese?" We certainly did not have trouble with the answer. =P The other questions however, were much too difficult for us, simply because of the american slant. Gosh, it was just like watching Americans stumbling on world affairs/geography questions on game shows. We ended up asking each other the easiest questions we could find in a stack of cards rather than the specific category on a given card. haha. Had a great time though. A yummy sashimi dinner, followed by Trivial Pursuit, Cranium, Trivial Pursuit (round II) and finally 'Mafia' (a game something like polar bear and murderer). Wah, hang out with Singaporeans very mentally stimulating...every thing must use brain one leh. =P

the countdown

"Distance is just a test to see how far love can travel"
- Anonymous

I think we've done pretty well in this test...don't you?

For those of you who haven't heard, D was accepted into the exact same PhD program at BU. I'm his TF for BE505. Scandalous. He'll be here in the fall. 3 more months! 3 more months! 3 more months!
Here. Boston. Daryl. Xiao. Together. FINALLY!!!!!! (excuse the sappiness...but i believe i've waited long enough ya? =P)

You'll Never Walk Alone

The Champions League final 2005 was certainly a night to remember. Perhaps the best European Cup final of all time? Tears of despair changed into tears of hope and again transformed into tears of pure, unadulterated joy on this roller coaster ride. Miracles DO happen after all. This game will be surely be talked about for generations to come.

Liverpool Football Club, Champions of Europe!

Liverpool was painted Red as an estimated half a million fans lined the city streets for yesterday's victory parade. Football crazy (or should i say dedicated) fans the British are...

AC Milan got off to a quick start, with Maldini scoring within the first 50 seconds. Things went downhill for Liverpool from there, and the score was a humiliating 3-0 to Milan at the end of the first half, and two players suffered injuries. Drastic changes, Rafa!

the mood at halftime...

Drastic changes were made, and just 9 minutes into the second half it began to turn around... Goals by Gerrard, Smicer and Alonso in 6 short minutes of madness!!!! AC Milan 3, Liverpool 3! Who would have thought it?

A worthy captain heads in the goal that triggers the amazing comeback...

30 minutes of extra time. Players were running on empty, but Liverpool hung on for dear life... The oft-criticized Dudek made a super last ditch double save off Shevchenko (European Player of the Year 2004) dubbed 'the real hand of God'. You should have seen it.

The much dreaded Penalties. Dudek the hero again. His Grobbelaar-inspired "starfish with jelly legs" impersonation saved the day, and Liverpool beat AC milan 3-2 on penalties. What a comeback!!!! You too could learn to "Du the Dudek". =P

the final save that won the game... (nice thighs...hee)

and so a miracle happened...the world was painted red.

..and we all lived happily ever after.

The heartstopping drama was well worth it... (damn stressful to watch the game ok!!)

WE ARE THE CHAMPIONS.....

A Food Odyssey 2005
Daryl visited Boston for three weeks, and we finally got to spend some quality time together. Of course we did little else but indulge in something that excites us both greatly....EATING loh. =P BU's spring break coincided with his visit, but instead of doing something like snowboarding or going on a road trip, we decided on cooking as our main form of activity. Yeah, there's nothing like a good meal to get that adrenaline (or is it just saliva?) flowing. We cooked at least one meal a day, and big meals they were. We had 3 friends over for dinner one night, and planned an eight-course meal, just because there were so many things we wanted to cook! In the end we settled for just six courses (but of course the other two courses we cooked for ourselves the next day). I'm not sure how much weight I put on...I can see myself getting rounder and unfortunately, i think it's the same for D. He's now back in Singapore (more food!), and his relatives have been telling him that he's gotten fatter, but of course following up with 'oh, that's a good thing'. One day I should put up some before and after pics of us...one from a few years ago when we were fitter and healthier, and one after our most recent binge fest. But we had an awesome time and I suppose being apart for 80% of each year, that's would be the most important thing...

Here's one of our homecooked meals with Chicken Watercress Soup, Grilled Sambal Stingray, erm..some sort of Sambal Tumis with Eggs and Stingray dish, and Salted Fish Fried Rice! My only table is really small, not even 1m x 1m, so maybe that's the limiting factor to the number of dishes we make. Hehe =)

Fried carrot cake (Chye Tau Kweh) singapore style. Sometimes when i'm really craving for hawker food, this is a quick and easy dish to fry up.

D actually baked me a surprise cake for my 24th birthday! Okay, it's really a butter cake covered with frosting (sinful...), and I like butter cake and I like surprises and I like D, so as you can guess I was REALLY happy. And if you know D, baking is not something usually associated with him, and it made it all the more special. I must add, not just because i'm awfully biased, that the cake was pretty damn good. Oh, and warm cake is better than cold cake. So guys, next time it's your girl's birthday, bake her a cake right before she gets home. Make her day. Help her feel better about getting older. =)

thanks for doing all the dishes too D! =)

Mm..will post more pics once I upload the next batch from the camera...i think 75% of those pics are of food. Yum!

snow day
What was touted as the "Blizzard of '05" hit us two nights ago, dumping more than 2 feet of snow in Boston... Luckily I was safely tucked away in the warm oven i call home. Kash and I went out into the streets at night. It was fun to say the least. Jumping into untouched piles of light, fluffy snow, making snow angels, snow-fighting was great. Not something i experienced alot while growing up in tropical singapore! Unfortunately, i don't have digital pics of the actual snow storm to post. The next morning, my poor car was buried up to its windows. It's the first one in line on the left side of the pic.

Here's a close-up! I sure had a great time digging this out of all that snow the next day. *grimace* There were several people out on the streets, sliding/sledding down the hill next to my apartment on rubber tubes and cardboard boxes. i suppose some good things do come out of having such heavy snow.... school today was cancelled! =)