Langeweile
mood: braindead
Watched My Brother the Vampire i.e.Mein Bruder der Vampir yesterday. SF Film fest movie. Like most film fest movies, a little quirky, weird and great cinematography(can't stop raving about that). Just didn't expect it to be so vulgar. There was sex, masturbation, kissing, breasts, incest and erm..*ahem*..strong language. hmm. Total assault on your senses. I didn't enjoy the plot as much as i had hoped to, but the music, lighting and style was absolutely ausgezeichnet. Kudos to Sven Taddicken. The screening included a short oscar-nominated feature, Gregors Größte Erfindung (Gregor's Greatest Invention). A sweet story about how Gregor's grandmother faces life in an old folks' home unless he can come up with an invention to compensate for her weakening legs. The actor who played Gregor was actually there at the PFA screening, and took time to answer a few questions. Oh, and so was the director of the Vampire show. 'Gregor' seemed really sweet while the director seemed rather quirky. hrm. kinda reflects on the shows. Feel like catching another show...see if i can get in a Jap movie.
Feeling very exhausted now... i have 3 final projects due, and have got to meet up with group partners to work on it. I know this means less emphasis on finals...but i just want everything to be over. i'm tired.

computer gone bonkers
mood: grrr...
Gosh. It seems that NOTHING is going right with the computer these days. Firstly, our DSL connection has been down for almost 24 hours. Scary to realise how dependent we are on the internet. *groan* Suffering from withdrawal symptoms. Need to check mail. need to check soccernet. need to check for icq messages. need to read blogs. need to update blogs (like real i do). Actually i'm so dependant on it for almost everything...from catching up with friends to downloading stuff to looking for telephone numbers. How did we actually survive without the world wide web?! =P badbad. shouldn't be so dependant. tomorrow u'll see me looking gaunt and pale with hand tremors and itchy fingers. grr. Oh, actually the internet does work, kinda. it's weird, scary, and seems to have a life of its own. Sometimes when we turn on the phone, the internet suddenly works. Great for emergencies. as long as the phone stays on though. And sometimes, there is a very slow connection. Messenger and audiogalaxy says that i'm connected, but i can't chat, can't surf the net, can't check mail. weird again. And the absolute worst thing is when u call Earthlink to ask them what's wrong...or just to find someone to pin the blame on and kao pei to, you get put on hold FOREVER. Yoek called them earlier today, and she said she had been on hold for.......40 minutes. Poor thing hor? =( Americans must spend at least 5% of their lives on hold!
And as if just to make things worse, my computer has a virus...and it's been sending out infected emails to the canoeists. *tears hair out* ARGH! Can't everything run perfectly for once? At least until the end of the semester...when Yoek and i run off to our exciting rendezvous on the east coast and then i can stick my tongue out at the computer and earthlink and "bblllhhhhhhhhhh"

yes/no?

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just a silly drama queen
you've made my day worse than it already was.
don't get all defensive now. i hate it when u do that.
why evade the real problem?
why take everything so personally?
i'm stressed. i'm tired. i'm hurting.
i hate that dull, consistent ache in the heart.
why does the pain refuse to subside?
why do hot tears burn into my face?
why do u have the power to make me feel so?

pigging out
mood: bisschen mude
so much has happened in the past week. don't know why i haven't blogged. It's just that i haven't felt the urge to put any of it down in words. Partly coz it takes me too long, and partly because i'm afraid that the words will fall short of describing what i'm actually experiencing. Highlights of the week? Food, food and more food! but of course what made it evenl better was the company. popped over to Faith's place on Friday night to bake (yesh, i can bake okay) yummy egg tarts. Yep, they're these scrumptious sweet dim-summy custurdy things. I had a great time there. It was a little tiring squishing dough into little paper cups, but nevertheless, it was well worth the effort. Not only did we have egg tarts to eat, we had smiles and laughter all around. =) faith summarizes it beautifully on her page and so i will not try to retell it. but it really did feel like a chalet in the end....the strange blankness that creeps into your head, the tendency to "heeheeheehee" and "hahahaha" at every little thing, the oh-my-gosh-the-sky-is-brightening-but-i'm-too-tired-to-be-excited feeling. yay! Thank you to all who made it happen...=)

(de)fragments of life
mood: grouchy
First and foremost, i have to vent my frustration. AHHHHHHHHHH!!!!! there, all better now. My dearest computer, which i decided to defragment yesterday, has decided to take the chance to go for a holiday....argh. I started at 330pm yesterday and at 1030am today, the screen cheerfully read "56% complete". In 19 hours (!!!!!), my computer happilly shuffled and rearranged only half the files on my computer. *sniff* but i'd have to admit it's most probably my fault. My fault for having so much crap on my computer, for not defragging it more often, for force feeding it hundreds upon thousands of files, folders and applications. Guess i'll just have to grin and bear it for another 15 hours or so. Hmm...defragging is strangely addictive. There's something alluring about seeing blue squares, aqua squares and red squares disappear and appear on the screen. Something hypnotic about the rythmn and the systemic movement down the rows of squares. And there's some satisfaction at the thought of your computer accomplishing perfect order and structure, like a utopian library, after this tedious process. Like how your computer is now the perfect zen machine, having purged itself of any mess and attained a higher order. okay...too much crap here.
[hits defrag button]

*rumble*
mood: hungry + tired=blah
just finished running my experiment at the flow cytometry lab in school. Not too good results. need more cells. need mroe experiments. need more practice. =( and tired from rushing to and fro from RFS lab to school. i wonder if research is something that i want to do as a career. I pretty much enjoy tending to cells, 'feeding' them, passaging them, staining them, etc,,,feel like a cell babysitter. plus i get to work with all these cool machines and chemicals the i read about in my readers and textbooks. A major drawback however, is the severe lack of outdoor labs. Wouldn't it be great to have sunshine pouring in while u work? oh well, who cares about sterility and contamination issues? =P seriously, going hours without fresh air and natural light is too much, and all i see after a while is white, white and more white...and my hands smell of rubber gloves. I shouldn't be complaining so much lah...my professor is a really nice guy, i get to eat pizza every Monday, i've made new friends. hmm...talking about pizza, i'm starving. gotta go munch and crunch. this blog most probably seems ultra-boring to u, oh well, go back and watch your toenails grow then. bleah.

of angelfishes and condensed milk
mood: woohoo!
what am i doing awake at 630am? oh boy, today will be a long day....alot of things to do, and alot of things i'd rather be doing. woke up coz i fell asleep with contacts on (orrh... infection then u know). been doing that for a few days liao...i just feel so unmotivated to take off contacts. Can u imagine...if i'm unmotivated to care for my eyes, how motivated can i be to study hard? Oh well, i've been pretty bo chup (euphemism for lazy) for as long as i can remember. In primary school i was always doing ERP the night before...and it only got worse in rgs. As jq can attest, i hardly stayed home and studied. No wonder JC was not a mug-fest to me, hardly any studying done except promos and prelims. I had a blast in RJ, keeping up with old friends, making many new ones, meeting 5 firm-as-a-rock friends, and finding one special forever friend. yay. especially the last bit. =)
Mebbe that's why i'm awake so early....excited about the day ahead. How i wish i was elsewhere on this day, and spend it more meaningfully. Was sorry to bother pang n rui, hope it wasn't too awkward. hope i didn't take up too much of your time. Hope he was happy...and how i wish that i could have been there. it was nice talking to you again..and listening to your voices. paths have diverged, especially with secondary sch friends, yet it's so easy to fall back into the conversations we had more than 4 years ago. Perhaps that is the sign of a lasting friendship, where words come sincerely and freely. Good luck for your exams, study hard! A summer attachment at NUS is in the works, and that means....three whole months in S'pore! Plus, working at NUS would mean being able to meet up with old friends...that's something that makes me really, really excited. And hopefully the research will give me alot more flexibility wrt working hours.
About research, i'd better get going...need to go down soon to the research lab i'm working in, and prepare some samples for an experiment later. this means skipskipskip school. which hopefully doesn't translate to failfailfail classes. bleah. let's just hope all goes well, and i get a nobel prize... =P The worst thing that could happen is i fall asleep. which is quite possible considering the wooziness in my head and heaviness on my eyelids. *smack self* there, all better already....
i will write more later..possibly at the lab. how can i not, on such a day?

Glad i woke up early, managed to catch your email just after u sent it. I like knowing that both of us are online and thinking of each other at the same time. makes me feel alot closer to home, and you. It's always nice waking up to some silliness and mushiness. *grin* keep it coming! =P It's a special day...can't stop thinking abt u.

random tidbits
what would u do with $50, $500 and $5000?
hrm...i dunno. just never really thought that i'd suddenly come across free money (ie. no need to return).
$50-put it in my wallet and see where it goes from there
$500-have a great meal with friends, buy a pair of jeans
$5000-travel in Europe/central america, buy him a guitar.
what about you?
------------------------------
smells you like
what they say:
~ cucumber oil. And gasoline. And the way my cat smells like an animal.
~ the desert just before rain, hot chocolate, fresh baked goods, peanut butter.
~ lemons....cow manure...baseball gloves, baseball dugout...
~ Tennis balls and isopropyl alcohol (?!)
~ my kitty's nose air. When he sniffs me I can smell the air coming out of his nose and its smells good, a little weird, but good.
~ really clean, warm summer night air. it's that ionized air smell. you smell it after lightning too.
~ freshly brewed coffee. freshly cut grass. the nape of a cute guy's neck.
~ clean laundry and manymany others..
what i say:
rain, clean laundry, fried garlic and onions, money, my mom's little pillow, my blanket, talcum powder, a baby's skin, oranges, fresh air

me and my silly questions
mood: relieved
i mugged and mugged so hard in the last 24 hours that i feel absolutely burnt out right now. *snapcracklepop* can't wait to go back home and rest. It was torturous ploughing through all that boring EE40 stuff. It's a evil class..now i know why Rob n ilyas warned not to take it. MOSFETS, CMOS, NMOS, op-amps, rectifiers, fabrication, pn junctions, logic blahblahblah....add cardiac protheses, artificial heart vessels, gene delivery and growth factor delivery...and add ~40 german words and learn how to change them to the perfect tense...and u know what's floating around in my brain right now. A whole lot of jumbled mishmash. And fried neurons. but i have no one to blame but myself...really, i should be doing more consistent work, rather than stressing myself out the day before exams, and force the poor him to listen to my incoherent grumblings.
Even though i told myself to focus wholly on work, i managed to sneak in trading spaces, 2 blind dates, 2 makeover stories, the amazing race AND gone in 60 seconds. talk about lack of discipline. I dunno leh. i think like some shows i'll just never get the chance to watch again, so i do. Especially these shove-a-camera-in-your-face kind of reality TV. Although i do think them stupid sometimes (like the Bachelor), i still can't help but watch. Probably i'm a closet voyeur...so beware of me and don't let me get too close...if you've got something to hide that is. =P I just think it's so interesting to watch people. Their reactions, their body language, their thoughts....i suppose reading blogs has a similar attractiveness to it. The online journal is like a camera that broadcasts to the world everything and anything- from the mundane happenings of life to the deep emotional frenzies one sometimes lapses into. but perhaps we are not as brave as we might think, choosing to hide in the shadow of anonymity, and only revealing emotions freely in our words.
Do u read random blogs? it's amazing how different each and every person is, and how reading through every blog one never fails to be pleasantly surprised. by a thought, a picture, a quote, an idea. If the world were powered by these, we'll never run out of resouces, not ever. Every person has something so unique about them, and i think it's wonderful that we have the opportunity to peek into the lives of all kinds of people. Not only do we learn all sorts of things, often we are reminded of our own thoughts and memories that we have overlooked, hidden away, or have simply forgotten.
One site asked: what did u want to be when u grew up? And i thought of the days when i wanted to be a teacher, days when i just wanted to stay with my grandparents forever, and days where i just wondered how it would feel being 21. Sometimes we just lose sight of our very own special dreams and in their place chase after the more practical and more acceptable ones. I suppose then we can safely say that we haven't failed, and haven't done anything silly with our lives. but then, this way we would never know the feeling of having done something truly meaningful, or having explored beyond our boundaries, would we? I must admit that i have not yet fulfilled some of these dreams within me, but i know that i want to, and that one day i will. I suppose many people think the same way...but eventually fall into the trappings of everyday life....i can't say i won't, but as long as i still keep these dreams close to me, i know half the battle is won. I don't know how my life will turn out from here, just as i didn't know my life now when i thought about it as a child. But i can still hope, and i sure hope i'll have some great stories to share.